Tuesday, September 1, 2009

In this installment, someone nukes a cat.

At the airport this morning, a lady put her cat through the x-ray machine, much to the disappointment to those around her.

It's pretty bad when a half-retarded Homeland Security officer give you a "how dumb ARE you?" look, but this woman deserved it. The sad thing is, our fearless defenders spent more time focused on this freaked-out cat than I've EVER seen them focus on the scissors, knives, and countless liquid bottles I've accidentally smuggled through their scanning procedures.

The cat looked fine, I'm sure there was no lasting damage. But then again, how do you tell with a cat?

Monday, August 31, 2009

In this installment, james gets herpes.

This morning I filed for Unemployment Insurance, got a speeding ticket, and was diagnosed with Herpes.

So basically, it was Monday.

For about I week I've been having bizarre pain in the right side of my chest. It felt like deep muscle burn interspersed with sharp, knife-like pains and that prickly super-itch I usually associate with a bad sunburn. But nothing seemed wrong when I examined myself in the mirror, no bruising, no cuts, no burns. Then a couple of days later two bright, red, spider bite marks appeared on my back just below my right shoulder.

Now things made sense. I've had spider bites before on my neck and their venom creates all sorts of weird aches and pains and sometimes nausea.

But the next day I had these "spider bites" all over my right nipple as well. Did he come back for more and bring his friends?

Finally, today, on my last day of viable health insurance for 2009, I woke up early and logged online to apply for Unemployment Insurance. Then I hopped into my car to head down to my doctor in Arcadia, hoping he'd let me in without an appointment and prescribe some sort of Cortizone shot to counter all this "venom" that I thought was in my body.

On my way there I took a downhill corner too fast and had a motorcycle cop on my tail. Court date is set for October.


Finally, in a poor mood, I made it to the doctor. Luckily, he saw me right away. He listened to my symptoms and when I lifted up my shirt to show him the marks he blurted out, "Herpes Zoster."

I froze with my shirt half over my head, knowing damn well what I heard but hoping his Asian accent had confused my brain.

"Um," I said, hopefully. "Is that a kind of spider?"

He blinked at me.

"No. It's herpes," he said.


"Yes. Very common in young people now. You should stay away from pregnant ladies, cause problems with fetus."


It was about this point where he realized is business-like bedside manner wasn't what I needed.

"Oh," he backpeddled. "Very common. Not dangerous."

Turns out most people have this stuff inside them ever since they contracted Chicken Pox as a child. Or you can get an airborn version of someone coughs on you when they are having an outbreak. It stays dormant until you're old and your immune system weakens.

So yes, Virginia, there is Herpes. Herpes is within all of us.

Outbreaks used to be common only in folks in their 60s but in recent years it's showing up more and more in folks my age. No one knows why but it's probably an environmental change or added stress levels at a younger age. Lovely.

So I ended my Monday morning in line for Valtrex at my local CVS Drugstore.

Later, a simple Wikipedia search freaked me out further. The internet minions claim this can cause partial paralysis. HOORAY! My doctor assures me I can treat the occasional outbreak that's caused by stress. I tend to believe the guy that speaks two languages and makes more money on his coffee break than I make in a week.

Friday, May 29, 2009

Weeds vs. 311

The producer's office for Weeds Season 5 was attacked by the band 311. Those damn kids with their damn rock music so damned loud.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Awesome Pictures

My girlfriend.

My man-crush.

My church.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

in this installment, james expands your freaking mine.

The following is an essay I wrote for my friend Deborah, who is currently struggling with her studies in Oxford. I'm sure it got her a high grade.


Havelok the Dane was a real butt.

Not only does his name sound like a character from the animated film version of Anastasia, but that FILM was a cheap rip-off of Disney!

Irregardless of his name, he did crappy things all the time irregardless of his name.

This one time, he was kissing a girl that was a nice girl, but she said no after a while. But he was all hands even though he went to church because that's what everyone did back then.

And another thing, he carried a sword, even though it was illegal without a permit. His mother thought this was a bad idea, but his father didn't enforce the rules because he was French and a drunkyard. So needless to say he didn't have positive reinforcements from his parental figures and he did drugs and killed people with that same sword that wasn't permitted.

After a time, he came to be known as the Great Dane, which wasn't a good thing, because they were mocking him for never doing anything great. So he decided to do great things, but it took a while, because even though he was determined he wasn't very smart.

Eventually he decided to kill the king and prove to everyone that he was great for real.

His great plan was to have a girl stitch him a dog suit and he'd trot up to the king because the king liked dogs and then kill the king when the king tried to pet him.

He couldn't find a girl to make him the dog suit because word had gotten around about his groping. So he made it himself because, like I said, he was determined. And it wasn't a very good dog suit as far as dog suits go. Even for back then when everyone had no style or good sense because they were less evolved then in modern times.

Anyway, his god suit was so bad that when he went to the castle, one guard thought he was drunk, another thought he was crazy, and another thought he was dreaming, and another one thought what he was seeing was really an assassin in a dog suit rather than a real dog, but no one listened to him because he was bookish and wore glasses.

So he made it up to the king and the king said "my what an awkwardly silly and delightful dog" which is a direct quote even though it's weird because people talked like that back then without getting beat up by bullies.

And as legend has it correctly, this dude totally poked his sword out of the dog suit and killed the king forever cementing the Trojan Dog into the collective consciousness and much to the bane of students that hate history and have to remember all these terms and dates.

Over the years, someone changed things into an urban legend about how the actual dog called a Great Dane can use a sword, but that's not a true urban legend anymore.

In conclusion, Havelok the Dane married the queen but didn't become the king because he forgot to sign the marriage certificate. Which was fine with him because he just wanted to play "stones" which is like a video game but with rocks.

He wasn't very determined anymore now that he'd killed the king, so that's about the last interesting thing he did.

The End.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

in this installment, james rediscovers a promo he directed over two years ago.

We made this for RedFence about two years ago and I recently found it again. It stars Josh and Liz Hilst and the VFX were done my Daniel McCurley.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

in this installment, james remembers he has a funny intro for his comic con footage that he never used.

This past Summer, Joel and I travel to San Diego in the name of RedFence and Movie Moron, in an attempt to infiltrate Comic-Con. Too late in the game and too low on cash, we arrived in a city with no room at the inn, and were forced to sleep in the only place we could find:

We got many a great article out of it though, and they can be read at the above mentioned websites.